Oppa Bexy Style

My once a month update thing went right out the window, didn't it?

I'm so ready to trash this thing and start a fresh blog. My photography went right out the window. I miss doing a project 365 type thing.I might start back up this coming new year, maybe. Maybe.

Things have been crazy busy. I haven't updated since June, so let's see...

I still don't have a better job. Still working a 2nd night on weeknight nights for extra money.
Todd is still working an hour and 10 minutes away. Trying to get on a local paper soon.
Still living in our beautiful new home. :)

My cat that I've had for the past 7 years, Jake, was hit by a car. I'm still pretty heartbroken.
We got another dog at the end of June. His name is Franklin.

He's so stinkin' cute.

And he looks just like Ben.

Jerry moved in with us in August to go to school here and get extra help. Things are going great. He has his own room and he's made so much progress. Things are great.

Also, I'm taking a much needed break from roller derby, at least until the new year. My life has gotten so crazy and I've taken on so much, roller derby has actually become draining instead of a release for me... so time to take a step back so I can have a chance to miss it, I think. And get the rest of my life in order.

Later.

and they're all made of ticky tacky and they all look just the same

We are making progress.


I'm doing all I can to try to make sure I have a better job this year. I'm taking the Praxis I as soon as possible, but the Praxis II that I need in order to teach the grades I want is only available July 10th and 11th and I don't think I'm going to be able to swing the cost of that one... and there's no additional dates posted yet. Plus, I don't think I'd pass it honestly. 
But, I've still applied to almost a dozen jobs in the school system and I don't need a Praxis II to teach anything from Birth  to Kindergarten, so I'm going to send in my college transcripts, talk to the people at HR at the school board and see what my options are. If anything, I can be a substitute or teacher's aid until I am able to take the Praxis II and get my certification & licensure . Regardless, I'm on the right track. 


Meanwhile, I've been trying to draw more and one of my co-workers, upon seeing one of my drawings actually said, "Quit your day job. Do that." ...and it's amazing how much I wish that were an option. All my kids always tell me, "Miss Becky, you should be an artist!" and I always reply, "I am an artist..." and they say, "No, a real artist, like as your job." and it stings a little but that's life. Even if I got a job as a graphic designer again, it's just not creatively fulfilling. But I do miss it. And I am going to immerse myself in art again.  I've decided to start keeping my sketchbook and pencils with me again, seeking inspiration and create art again. Get involved in the art community downtown again, stay up to date on shows and entry dates and try to get myself in some shows, maybe sell some artwork. I've let myself fall so far away from the things I love, the things I'm good at, just for what? Job security? Seeming like a responsible adult? I'm being irresponsible by letting these things grow further from me and who I am. Everyone I knew used to know knew that I was creative, that I was an artist - no one automatically thinks that of me anymore but it's not their fault. It's because I don't put myself out there anymore. And that's on me.


So yeah. I got a 2nd job so we could make more money so we could afford our beautiful new house - which I love and I'm so happy we have. And I don't mind the 2nd job either and I greatly enjoy the extra money. Now I just wish I had more time to enjoy the house. I work everyday, I have practice Monday and Wednesday nights, I work Thursday - Sunday night and my only night "off" is Tuesday nights... and I am spending it writing a blog about how I have no free time.... so yeah, there's that.


So right now, on the agenda:


- Take the Praxis I
- Get back into the art thing. Draw/create everyday. (Also get back into photography, since I've let that go to the back burner as well...)
- Get a better job, hopefully in the school system this fall




We're on vacation next week! Can't wait! I'm going to clear off my memory card, post some pictures and take LOTS of photos during our vacation. 

Where are we?

Summer is already flying by. The kids just got out of school June 7th, we've already knocked out a week of "Summer Camp" and Todd's birthday has come and gone.

My team won our first bout! We beat the Onslow County Derby Dames with a score of 238-50, I believe. It was amazing and has totally inspired me to keep with it and work harder. I can't wait to work harder and bout again. It was already my goal to jam more, but I'm going to start working on  being an aggressive jammer, a double threat of sorts. I may not be the fastest person on the track, but I want to be effective anywhere they put me. So that's what's next for me.

My goal this summer was to take my Praxis tests so I could get a job in the school system this fall and I'm starting to get a little worried about all that... but we'll see. I've already applied to like 8 jobs in the school system. Next is to register (and pay for) the tests and hope I pass. :\ And also get copies of my transcripts to the School Board just in case I could do a lateral entry thing and take the Praxis later. I just hope it all works out. Or I can find another good job come fall. I just think my time at the daycare is coming to a close, and I'm ready to close that chapter. I'm also not a fan of waiting tables, although I do enjoy the money... but I'd like to make enough money from one job, so that I don't need to work 2.

But things are much better and they are going to continue to go that way, because we're working hard for what we want and that's all that matters.

I'm still loving the house - it's so beautiful and I just love it so much. I can't believe it's ours. Things are finally falling into place for us. :) I'm just going to keep working hard, keep a positive attitude and make things happen for us.

A few things...

I'm a fan of fresh flowers on the kitchen table. Harris Teeter has good deals on them too for when we don't make it to the Farmer's Market.

I don't understand what joy people get out of being mean or cruel to others. It sickens me. Disgusting.

I don't understand how someone can completely drop off the face of the Earth, despite all of your best efforts.

How do you find time for everything you want to do?

How do you fix regrets? (For instance, not finishing art school?)

How come some people seem to have it so easy, while others struggle just for a sense of normalcy?

Plants vs. Zombies is a very addicting game.

I like cooking but I don't like cleaning up afterwards and I'm not good at cleaning as I go.

I hate putting away laundry. Laundry sucks.

My photography has 100% fallen to the back burner of everything else going on in my life. I have photos on my SD card in my camera from MONTHS ago that I still haven't transferred and edited. It's making me incredibly sad.


That's all for now - good  day! :)

whew.

Where did we leave off? :)

We're moved into our new home! I love Love LOVE it. It's beautiful and perfect for us. We're about 90% unpacked and ready to have some summer get togethers.

I hadn't been to derby practice since our Rogue Bout on April 21st, and last night I was finally able to go and it was pretty awesome. I missed it a lot.

I'm working 2 jobs now - still teaching at Childcare Network, which will be a fun-filled summer of field trips, swimming and movie trips - and Thursday through Sunday nights, I'm waiting tables at Annabelle's. So far, it's really helping bridge the gap in our finances, so it's worth it.

In the past week, I've applied to almost 10 jobs within the school district, so fingers crossed. I should be taking the Praxis in July if I can afford the damn test! There's 2 I need to take, for $130 a piece, so yeah. We also both need new tires on both of our vehicles, so trying to manage priorities is difficult. New tires for safety and not enough money for the test, or test so we can make more money and buy tires whenever we want? lol. OK, it's not really that bad, we'll figure it all out. We always do.

We have a bout coming up June 9th at Galaxy of Sports in Kinston. We're playing the Jacksonville team, so that's going to be awesome. I'm excited to play a team that's more on our level and less getting our asses kicked for sport.

Lucy ran away. I can't believe I didn't mention that in my last post. It was the weekend we had Jerry for his Spring Break.. she ran away that Saturday night (April 14th), and I had to take Jerry home that Sunday afternoon. I did everything I could possibly think of. I put posters everywhere. Animal shelters, vets, pet stores, around town, internet... I got a lot of calls, tips, thought-they-saw-hers, but they were all dead ends. At this point, all I can do is hope that she's safe and okay and that someone took her in innocently and somehow missed all the posters and my newspaper ad and desperate pleas for my dog. I miss her so much. I msis the way she used to stand next to the couch, put her head on your lap and fall asleep nearly standing up, slowly inching herself on the couch so you wouldn't notice. I miss how she was actually a DOG, unlike Ben, who is an insane person trapped inside a dog's body, cursed for some crime in a past life. Lucy was 100% dog. She would chase balls for hours, walk good on a leash, come back when called, simple and loyal and sweet. I miss her so much.

Well, I need to get some sleep. Tomorrow's Friday and due to a scheduling error, I have tomorrow night off where I'd normally be at Annabelle's. Not sure how I'm going to enjoy it yet!

Story to tell...

I've been doing at least an update a month, so let's keep that going.

We're moving! Yep! This weekend!

And there's a lot more going on but I can't really get into it. I actually just sat here and typed out a lot of it but decided against it.

We've got most of our stuff moved in, just need to get the stray items that haven't made it into a box yet and our big furniture that won't fit into Todd's little truck. Plus, we can't put the truck bed down because the handle broke and that makes loading the truck quite difficult.

I just can't wait for all of this to be over.

Also, I start my second job at Annabelle's next Tuesday night. Yay money!

The manager said "See You Next Tuesday" and I may have busted out laughing. I couldn't help it! He got it, though.

Things are looking up.

I'm going to try to get my teaching certification this summer so I can work in the school system this fall. Meanwhile, 2 jobs and putting away money!

bump.

When I'm not sick, I don't take it for granted. I take it lots of deep breaths, enjoy breathing through my nose, enjoy not having a sore throat, or coughing. I savor it. And you may doubt me, and say, "Oh, I never appreciate being well until I'm sick" but not me. Granted, I work in daycare, around dozens of snotty, coughing, booger picking & eating kids. I get puked on, I wipe noses, I wipe asses, I clean up after them. So yeah, I'm exposed to more than the normal amount of germs. Over the past 2 years, I've built up a much better immunity than when I first started (holy hell), but I still get sick more than the average bear.

That's not even what I came here to discuss.

I'm wearing thin. I can feel it. I haven't felt like this in a very long time. Years, even. Back when I used to have take medications to make it through a normal day. Back when I used to have keep pills on hand just in case a panic attack might randomly (or not so randomly) strike. I'm not sure when I decided to stop taking the medicine - I'm sure it had something to do with losing my insurance after the surgery debacle, but I don't really care. At some point, I decided I was going to beat this, and I did. I just... stopped. I stopped being that person. I stopped crying, I stopped worrying, I stopped hyperventilating, I stopped trying to sleep every waking moment away. And finally started living.

Isn't it funny that when I really had nothing in particular going on in my life, I suffered from panic and anxiety in the worst possible way? And then, bam, the unthinkable happens and a botched surgery ruins my life, my credit, our living situation, put me in endless debt, lost my job, my health insurance, my body, on and on and on.... and this was the time I chose to heal mentally. This was the time I chose to stop panicking. (As if I could ever choose this?)

To be honest, I mostly did this by a tried and true method of... blocking everything out. Otherwise known as denial or "ignore it and it goes away". Which I've found isn't entirely true... all the time.

So, this all comes up again because when I finally got around to filing our taxes last week, sitting down eagerly to get it done and get that refund.... I ended up owing. A lot. And I wasn't expecting it anymore than I was expecting the panic attack that sent me flying into an inconsolable and irrational hysteria for almost 2 days straight.

"Oh my god, I owe the IRS. I owe taxes. My life is over. I'm going to die. I'm going to jail. I've ruined our life. We're never going to buy a house. We're going to be homeless. Todd is going to divorce me for making us owe taxes. I am a failure at life. I've failed. I'm 25 and I've become absolutely nothing. I owe taxes and I should die."

This was my mind. That is a panic attack.

So, just a window into what goes through my head sometimes. And these thoughts made me so stressed that I became physically ill. And I couldn't sleep. So I was exhausted. By Friday, I was a walking zombie. All day long it was all I could do just to keep my eyes open. I got home around 1:30pm and slept until almost 8pm. I was done.

We had a fun weekend and I tried to let go of everything and have a good time, and it worked.
Then we lost Todd's phone.
Then we didn't have as much money as I'd like left over until pay day.
Then Monday rolls around and I'm too scared to call the IRS to figure out what I'm supposed to do.

Hello Tuesday. Hello sweet, beautiful, I-called-the-IRS-and-everything-is-going-to-be-okay-Tuesday. And tonight, I filed our taxes. And yes, I still owe money for the first time ever, and it was because of an error on my w4 which is now fixed, but it's all going to be okay. It's going to be okay.

It's going to be okay.

I'm still battling some of these thoughts, but I just keep having to tell myself that someone else has it worse. And it's just money. And it's going to be okay.

And it's past my bedtime.

I saw my shadow.

Let's see. Yeah, needless to say, I've been busy. I feel like I do is go, go, go...
Time is whizzing by, and I have to be honest, derby has consumed my life. I'm not complaining, but it's a landslide that you simply can't stop!

We're having more bathroom problems. Last year around March, we found out the shower drain had been leaking below the floor, rotting the wood, when Todd fell through the floor. We spent a good week in a hotel while the entire bathroom was redone. A week or so ago, while Lucy's crate was outside being cleaned, she was shut in the bathroom while I was at work and tore up the linoleum to expose even more rotting wood... this time as a result of a bad wax ring in the toilet. Go figure. It's always something. It's literally... always something. I'm a little fed up, but whatever. Just keep trucking through it. Just keep going. One day at a time, one foot infront of the other, etc etc etc... yep. Not to mention our ice maker has suddenly stopped working and that's just one more thing I have to tell the landlord about and I'm just sick of bothering them! :(

We got a fish tank. I got a Dalamation Molly, 2 Mickey Mouse Platys, and a Chinese Algae Eater. I'm already done the Algae Eater and a Mickey. :( I don't know what the deal is. Oh well.

OH, I'm painting the bathroom, amidst all this madness. It's needed it ever since the construction last year, but I never got around to it. Also because I despised the dark royal blue in there. It made the teeny tiny bathroom seem even that much smaller. So, I've primed the entire thing white, and I got a beautiful "Lemon Ice" color, and I'm going with an Asian/zen theme in there now. It's going to super.

I just realized it's almost 2am and I have to wake up at 6am, so... goodnight.