Story to tell...

I've been doing at least an update a month, so let's keep that going.

We're moving! Yep! This weekend!

And there's a lot more going on but I can't really get into it. I actually just sat here and typed out a lot of it but decided against it.

We've got most of our stuff moved in, just need to get the stray items that haven't made it into a box yet and our big furniture that won't fit into Todd's little truck. Plus, we can't put the truck bed down because the handle broke and that makes loading the truck quite difficult.

I just can't wait for all of this to be over.

Also, I start my second job at Annabelle's next Tuesday night. Yay money!

The manager said "See You Next Tuesday" and I may have busted out laughing. I couldn't help it! He got it, though.

Things are looking up.

I'm going to try to get my teaching certification this summer so I can work in the school system this fall. Meanwhile, 2 jobs and putting away money!

bump.

When I'm not sick, I don't take it for granted. I take it lots of deep breaths, enjoy breathing through my nose, enjoy not having a sore throat, or coughing. I savor it. And you may doubt me, and say, "Oh, I never appreciate being well until I'm sick" but not me. Granted, I work in daycare, around dozens of snotty, coughing, booger picking & eating kids. I get puked on, I wipe noses, I wipe asses, I clean up after them. So yeah, I'm exposed to more than the normal amount of germs. Over the past 2 years, I've built up a much better immunity than when I first started (holy hell), but I still get sick more than the average bear.

That's not even what I came here to discuss.

I'm wearing thin. I can feel it. I haven't felt like this in a very long time. Years, even. Back when I used to have take medications to make it through a normal day. Back when I used to have keep pills on hand just in case a panic attack might randomly (or not so randomly) strike. I'm not sure when I decided to stop taking the medicine - I'm sure it had something to do with losing my insurance after the surgery debacle, but I don't really care. At some point, I decided I was going to beat this, and I did. I just... stopped. I stopped being that person. I stopped crying, I stopped worrying, I stopped hyperventilating, I stopped trying to sleep every waking moment away. And finally started living.

Isn't it funny that when I really had nothing in particular going on in my life, I suffered from panic and anxiety in the worst possible way? And then, bam, the unthinkable happens and a botched surgery ruins my life, my credit, our living situation, put me in endless debt, lost my job, my health insurance, my body, on and on and on.... and this was the time I chose to heal mentally. This was the time I chose to stop panicking. (As if I could ever choose this?)

To be honest, I mostly did this by a tried and true method of... blocking everything out. Otherwise known as denial or "ignore it and it goes away". Which I've found isn't entirely true... all the time.

So, this all comes up again because when I finally got around to filing our taxes last week, sitting down eagerly to get it done and get that refund.... I ended up owing. A lot. And I wasn't expecting it anymore than I was expecting the panic attack that sent me flying into an inconsolable and irrational hysteria for almost 2 days straight.

"Oh my god, I owe the IRS. I owe taxes. My life is over. I'm going to die. I'm going to jail. I've ruined our life. We're never going to buy a house. We're going to be homeless. Todd is going to divorce me for making us owe taxes. I am a failure at life. I've failed. I'm 25 and I've become absolutely nothing. I owe taxes and I should die."

This was my mind. That is a panic attack.

So, just a window into what goes through my head sometimes. And these thoughts made me so stressed that I became physically ill. And I couldn't sleep. So I was exhausted. By Friday, I was a walking zombie. All day long it was all I could do just to keep my eyes open. I got home around 1:30pm and slept until almost 8pm. I was done.

We had a fun weekend and I tried to let go of everything and have a good time, and it worked.
Then we lost Todd's phone.
Then we didn't have as much money as I'd like left over until pay day.
Then Monday rolls around and I'm too scared to call the IRS to figure out what I'm supposed to do.

Hello Tuesday. Hello sweet, beautiful, I-called-the-IRS-and-everything-is-going-to-be-okay-Tuesday. And tonight, I filed our taxes. And yes, I still owe money for the first time ever, and it was because of an error on my w4 which is now fixed, but it's all going to be okay. It's going to be okay.

It's going to be okay.

I'm still battling some of these thoughts, but I just keep having to tell myself that someone else has it worse. And it's just money. And it's going to be okay.

And it's past my bedtime.

I saw my shadow.

Let's see. Yeah, needless to say, I've been busy. I feel like I do is go, go, go...
Time is whizzing by, and I have to be honest, derby has consumed my life. I'm not complaining, but it's a landslide that you simply can't stop!

We're having more bathroom problems. Last year around March, we found out the shower drain had been leaking below the floor, rotting the wood, when Todd fell through the floor. We spent a good week in a hotel while the entire bathroom was redone. A week or so ago, while Lucy's crate was outside being cleaned, she was shut in the bathroom while I was at work and tore up the linoleum to expose even more rotting wood... this time as a result of a bad wax ring in the toilet. Go figure. It's always something. It's literally... always something. I'm a little fed up, but whatever. Just keep trucking through it. Just keep going. One day at a time, one foot infront of the other, etc etc etc... yep. Not to mention our ice maker has suddenly stopped working and that's just one more thing I have to tell the landlord about and I'm just sick of bothering them! :(

We got a fish tank. I got a Dalamation Molly, 2 Mickey Mouse Platys, and a Chinese Algae Eater. I'm already done the Algae Eater and a Mickey. :( I don't know what the deal is. Oh well.

OH, I'm painting the bathroom, amidst all this madness. It's needed it ever since the construction last year, but I never got around to it. Also because I despised the dark royal blue in there. It made the teeny tiny bathroom seem even that much smaller. So, I've primed the entire thing white, and I got a beautiful "Lemon Ice" color, and I'm going with an Asian/zen theme in there now. It's going to super.

I just realized it's almost 2am and I have to wake up at 6am, so... goodnight.

Hello there New Year

Will you be good to me? (I'll be good to you.)

Well. I sit here, freshly showered at 1am, with my big orange tabby cat behind me on the couch, pushing his little paws hard into my back. No, it doesn't feel good, but he's a jerk sometimes. I'm showered because Todd and I welcomed in the New Year the only way we know how, sitting out on the deck burning shit. And that made me smell like smoke.
That's not completely true -- we went out last night. We took Jerry to Oriental to see the Chinese Dragon and touch it for good luck. Pretty awesome. While we waited for 11pm to roll around for that to happen, we spent time in a restaurant on the corner in Oriental, playing arcade games. That was fun. :)

So, I doubt I'm going to venture into another Project 365, simply because it's too much of an undertaking and my schedule is much, much busier than it ever used to be. I'm definitely not complaining because I enjoy my new lifestyle immensely.

I'm starting out the New Year as Communications Head of my roller derby team! I'm super excited about it and I think it's going to be a good year.

Yes, I do have a few resolutions:

Here they are.

RESOLUTIONS

Personal
1. Get down to my goal weight, which includes...
2. Losing about 5 lbs. a month
3. Exercising more on my non-derby days.
4. Work on endurance.
5. Work on my core strength. (Abs are still messed up from surgery.)
6. By the end of 2012, I would like for us to be extremely close to being ready to start a family. But no rush.
7. Be a better housekeeper.
8. Cook more, like I used to. Ugh.
9. Have more fun.
10. Walk the dogs more.
11. Work hard on getting debt free.

Derby
1. Start jamming.
2. Be able to play any position well.
3. Knock Lucky down on the regular. And Jackie. And all the big girls. And your mom.
4. Be able to sit on people.
5. JUKING! JUKE JUKE JUKE. Or lateral movement.
6. Make a derby wife decision. ;) It's very difficult. I'm waiting for it to happen naturally.
7. Jump the apex.
8. Ass hits.
9. Can openers.
10. Skate in my free time. (What free time?!)


Well, I guess that's it for now!
We got new sheets and a new bedspread and all that fun stuff, and I'm about to go jump in it with my wonderful hubby. :)
Good day, good night, good life. Good year.

domestic duties

I kind of miss blogging. Especially my 365 project. I really miss it, actually.
I'm going to start again the following New Year and finish the entire year. I promise myself!

Now time to go clean the house. I've been falling behind drastically on my domestic duties. I'm a horrible housewife. After working all day, all week, all I want to do on the weekends is rest or have fun. Can you blame me?

Also, everyone is pregnant. It's not fair.

pageant flashback

I sang this in a middle school pageant. I'm pretty sure I won the talent portion, but I messed up on my interview question (spoke to the question asker instead of the judges) and ended up getting 2nd runner up. Or 3rd place. However you word it, I got a trophy! lol :)

I kind of miss being in pageants. I never appreciated it when I was doing it.

I was reminded of this song when the preacher at the wedding Todd and I shot a couple weeks ago came up to me and asked if I had sung this song in a pageant once. Honestly, I had totally forgotten about it. Now I'm glad to have looked it up and spent some time reminiscing on all the songs I used to sing in pageants... I could look more up and post them. ;) That would be fun.

Enjoy... ;)

I didn't really like this one all that much...

I used to sing this one in a weddings...

monthly "hello"

So, I should update at least once in the month of October.

Just taking life one day at a time. Is there really any other way? I guess I could be working harder to plan for the future, but it's hard enough just to take each day as it comes.

I'm no longer an After School teacher at my daycare. I'm now the "Kindergarten Prep Academy" teacher... at the same daycare. lol. :) So basically, I'm working with the 4/5 year olds who will be starting school next year. I love it. Finally getting my 40+ hours a week and I actually really, really enjoy it. :)

Derby is still going well, the new knee pads have helped a lot, but I still have some burning sensation and numbness in my right knee. But mostly I'm just getting tired. I need to work out more but I just don't have the time. On my nights off, it's all I can do to cook dinner and stay awake.

Well... there's probably a lot more I could update with but I need to get some sleep.
Oh, I did make some delicious chili tonight and homemade corn bread (thanks to Adrienne bringing me some corn meal!) and invited her and Eric over for dinner. :) Lots of fun!

Goodnight. :)